The following is an excerpt from Doubting Faithfully by Keith Long. It’s a featured Speakeasy selection, and there are still limited review copies available for qualified reviewers.
After years of finding meaningful community and belonging among Jesus-loving Christians, I found myself needing a break from other pastors and “church people.” Battle-weary and disillusioned, I sought escape from the generalizations and blanket assumptions people said about God and the words continually coming out of my mouth that I wasn’t sure I believed anymore. At first, I sought refuge and renewal from books by some of the more progressive Christian authors I knew and liked but the longer and deeper my fall lasted, the more I sought out authors from outside Christianity—scientists, mythologists, Buddhists, and philosophers, etc.
The decision to study theology and the Bible for a living in the first place was fueled by an intense passion for learning and spiritual growth. Christianity had completely transformed my life as a young adult after years of productive seed-planting by various invested adults and mentors. Now it seemed appropriate to explore on my own, off the beaten path. It was both refreshing and disturbing to step off the cliff of religious belief, abandoning the sure footing that I had grown very familiar with as a pastor.
What I discovered was an entirely new way of thinking and exploring spirituality and the Christian faith, a new way forward that I never knew existed. Those thoughts ranged from the whimsical, light-hearted fare to deep, brooding unknowns about everything I once held dear. For most people, there is a lot of wiggle room to think such thoughts, but pastors? Well, it has been my experience thus far that pastors tend to be held to a different standard. Can I question aloud the existence or nature of God? Yes, I can—but should I?
For as long as I can remember “the God question” was an unequivocal and resounding YES, an absolute, resolute, and confident foregone conclusion. Until one day, I didn’t immediately dismiss the question. Should I be thinking such a thing, what with my being an ordained pastor and all? It was an intimidating thought. Then, slowly and persistently, the thought kept returning and finding me when I was emotionally drained, frustrated, curious or spiritually bored enough to think about it.
Before full-time ministry, such questions and doubts were dismissed with ease. But after an unexpectedly rocky start to my career in full-time ministry, I chose to confront my skepticism head-on.
I decided to question the same God I had always hung every problem or pain, happiness or hope upon and investigate my assumptions. During this season of my life, this God felt distant at best, nonexistent at worst. The same God I once considered my best friend, and my heavenly Father became an abstract concept that I found myself rejecting. I did not want to associate God with anything that remotely resembled having human characteristics with common human emotions. I started being very intentional about avoiding the use of pronouns, male or female, in my talk of God. I formerly believed God to be intimately personal, paternal, and knowable. God used to be a He. What is the best way to refer to God? As Creator? Spirit? Higher Power?
I am completely befuddled as to how anyone can think or speak on this Mystery’s behalf. As if a four-year “Master of Divinity” degree (the title of such a degree seems preposterous now) entitles me to communicate how the Creator of the Universe feels. Does God feel? If so, what is God?
The questions eventually led me to contemplate what was on the other side of the cliff’s edge. Looking around to make sure I wasn’t being followed, I’d slip away from time to time to ponder on some dark-nights-of-the-soul types of thoughts. The steep, sudden drop-off felt isolating, and slightly terrifying, but invigorating, too. I was sure other pastors did not think about these kinds of things. They probably just rolled out of bed and felt the gentle warmth of God’s presence tingling up and down their body as they sipped their morning coffee and dove into a God Loves You devotional, eagerly soaking up God’s lovingkindness and blessings. Does God’s love radiate from scripture like that? Had I ever felt God’s presence or was that just something I conditioned myself to think?
The more I sensed other religious leaders needing religion and morality intertwined, the more I desired to break the two apart. I knew plenty of people who were kind, loving and generous who also happened to be non-religious. Doesn’t loving others feel like the right choice most days? Is this because God made us this way or because this is just the way it is? I had learned how to make the right choices before religion became a big part of my life. There’s no question my character had been enhanced through my religious education and Christian beliefs, but I no longer wanted to identify as a Christian in the way that term had been defined and depicted over the last half of a century. As a pastor of a Christian church, I wondered: was that going to be a problem?
Praise for Doubting Faithfully
“Keith Long is a true spiritual seeker. In Doubting Faithfully he takes us along with him as he questions, explores, and finds wisdom in both ordinary and extraordinary events. Through his engaging stories and insightful reflections, he shows us that doubts and questions are essential parts of a spiritual path.”
—Lori Erickson, author of Holy Rover: Journeys in Search of Mystery, Miracles, and God
“In a time when so much public religious speech is about power and posturing, with Doubting Faithfully, Long has done something hugely courageous in daring to be honest about his own journey and his own doubts…Beautifully written, only good things can come from reading and responding to it.”
—Kester Brewin, author of books Mutiny! Why We Love Pirates, and How They Can Save Us and After Magic: Moves Beyond Super-Nature, From Batman to Shakespeare
“Moved by real events in his own life and in the lives of the people he serves, Keith helps us openly question, probe, and struggle with matters of faith and belief. He seeks to honor faith without insulting intelligence and to transform faith by linking brain with heart.”
—Rev. Dennis Alexander, 42 years of ordained ministry in United Methodist Church
“Humor, wisdom, and courageous questions, Doubting Faithfully truly resonated. Don’t read it because I said to, but because doing so will impact your life, and maybe even your faith, for good.”
—Heidi Barr, author Cold Spring Hallelujah and 12 Tiny Things
About the Author
Keith Long is the author of three books, Doubting Faithfully: Confessions of a Skeptical Pastor, Growing Spirit Wise: A Heretic’s Guide to Resurrection and Eternal Life, and Moviemakers, a novella. Keith has also written for New Testament scholar, speaker, and consultant Bart D. Ehrman and is a Lutheran (ELCA) pastor in Minnesota, where he resides with his family.
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[…] Long’s Doubting Faithfully: Confessions of a Skeptical Pastor is the kind of book I wish more pastors wrote—and more congregants read. In this age of tectonic […]